Carol Kittermaster Memorial Talks

Personal Reflections of Carol Kittermaster

A Celebration of Life ~ Saturday, February 25, 2006 ~ Belmont, CA

Welcome
Doug McGlashan ~ Ricki McGlashan

Organizational Rembrances
Sustainable San Mateo County Ruth Peterson

Jewish-Palestinian Living Room Dialogue Group Libby Traubman ~ Elias Botto

San Mateo Housing Leadershp Council
Tom Thompson
Family Remembrances
Amy Favaro ~ B.J. Favaro ~ Jim Davis

Closing

Ricki McGlashan
         We are all here today because we know that Carol was a very special person with enough heart to fill this room. Her family very much wanted this to be a celebration of her life, not a mournful event. You know that Carol was a model and actress. She was beautiful and graceful which probably earned her most of her gigs. But on her resume, she also listed that she was able to cry on cue, not something that many people can do. Carol’s family asked Doug and me to help with her memorial in hopes that we would be able to do the reverse and smile on cue. We want to set the tone of gratitude that Carol was able to lead such a full, satisfying, interesting, intense, productive and happy life--and that we here were all able to have her in our lives.
         Carol and I shared many, many parts of our lives. I will mention first one of our failures: our plan to have one of her grandchildren marry one of Doug’s and my children. That didn’t work, but our other joint ventures succeeded. She and I were in a book group, The Seven Sisters, for 15 years. She liked to say it was the seven sisters and their mother. In her mothering role, she was always supportive and encouraging when we had difficulties. When one of us couldn’t finish the assigned reading, she’d say, “Well, no wonder--you do so much!” Carol was most often the one who didn’t do all the reading, and we all knew it was that she did so much! Between remembering people’s special events with chocolate hearts and meticulously cleaning her house, it’s a wonder she had time to do all the good works she did. To her it seemed, correctly I think, that the base of all problems in our world had to do with overpopulation or undereducation. The stories she told of her life were an education for all of us--her personal life story left her with much compassion and empathy that we were blessed to experience. We worked for many years together on the Sustainable San Mateo County Awards program and she was always, always willing to step in and do what was needed--except public speaking. It’s a shame she didn’t like to do that because she was very articulate and thoughtful and composed--it seemed like it would have been a natural for her. But one on one or at meetings and parties she was in her element. And you couldn’t stop her from helping behind the scenes setting up or cleaning up. We’re all going to have to clean up after ourselves more now!
         Carol was a dear, dear friend and co-worker, never demanding, only appreciating and pitching in. Many of us will feel a personal hole in our lives, but there are organizations that will acutely feel her absence, too, and since her activism was central to her life, we would like to hear from some of her fellow travelers. The first will be Sustainable San Mateo County’s Chair, Ruth Peterson.

Tom Thompson
         Carol was one of the greatest “people collectors” I have ever known. I am grateful to have been part of her “collection."
         I am Tom Thompson, a friend and happy part of the “people collection” of Carol Kittermaster.
         The “orbit” of Carol’s people collection included family, friends, politics, environmental issues and social causes. She had a special gift for connecting the people in her circle.
         Family… John, their “kids” and grandchildren were Carol’s major passion in life. One of my favorite Carol stories ended with “Grandma, religion is how we explain stuff that can’t be explained." When I told Carol about first meeting my wife Jane, Carol said, "Oh, how nice. Tell me about Jane’s family." Carol approved.
         Friends… I was lucky enough to be one of them. Carol’s friendship was of great value to everyone she knew. She never met a stranger.
         Politics… There was a moment when Carol showed her grace and poise during a party at our home. Carol made a comment about “That George W” to an old college roommate of my wife Jane, who answered, "Oh, my son is a speech writer at the White House for George W." It was the only time I know of when Carol was at a loss for words.
         Environment… That’s how Carol got me involved in Sustainable San Mateo County and the great work they do. What a great gift to me. I learned I'm far more of an environmentalist than I thought.
         Social Causes… Carol also introduced me to the Housing Leadership Council. Our mission is to preserve and expand the supply of housing for our diverse residents and workforce. Carol knew I have a soft spot for affordable housing. I enjoyed my talks with Carol about balancing both the environment AND the needs created by of the 191,000 people per day increase in world population.
         Family, friends, politics, environmental issues and social causes… Thank you, Carol, for making room for all of us in your “people collection.” We miss you greatly.

Amy Favaro
         When I began to think about what I wanted to say about my mom and how much she means to me, I found it difficult to pinpoint just one or two qualities I admire about her character. I decided to use a memory of mine from kindergarten as an example.
         It was a sunny weekend day and I rode my bike to the school playground several blocks from home – yes, during that time children could actually be in the neighborhood without an adult nearby. So anyway, on the playground, they had a big tractor tire that was half buried in bark chips. I was tucked away inside when this heavy-set boy from first grade started jumping on top of the tire causing it to bounce-about as he yelled mean things at me. After several minutes of being panicked and crying, I managed to extricate myself from the tire, hopped on my bike and wobbled all the way home, crying all the while. My mom greeted me reassuringly and listened to my tale between sobs. I remember her telling me 2 things after she calmed me down.
         The first was, she wanted me to get back on my bike and ride to the school to tell the boy that what he did was mean and hurtful. Then she told me she thought it would be good if I asked the boy to play WITH me; she thought it sounded like the boy was probably teased because of his weight and he picked on me because I was younger and he thought he could get away with it.
         Believe it or not, I did find the courage to get on my bike and ride back to the school where Michael was still playing by himself. I told him what he did really scared me and asked him if he wanted to play on the swings with me. He did, and from that day forward he never teased or bothered me again.
         The two things my mom taught me from this experience was the importance of using one’s own voice to speak up for oneself and for what you believe in. The second, to try to put oneself in the other person’s shoes – if someone tries to hurt you, it’s often because they’re hurting themselves. A little kindness and empathy go a long way. No, I did not walk away that day with these revelations, but these beliefs were modeled by my mom throughout her life and I ALSO believe today a little kindness and empathy go a long way. I’m a better parent and teacher because of her influence.
         One of my favorite authors, Robert Fulghrum, wrote a book entitled, “All I Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten.” Again, I didn’t learn all these in kindergarten, but my mom epitomized these rules of Mr. Fulghrum:

“Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Live a balanced life – learn some, and think some, and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day, some. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and bunnies and even the little seed in the styrofam cup – they all die and so do we.”

         Most of you know my mom was completely devoted to her family, both nuclear and extended, and we do have an extended family that sounds more like a soap-opera plot than reality. My mom extended herself to John’s 3 children, Kari, John and Kristin as if they were her own. I am so thankful Kari and John were able to make the trip here for this celebration of my mom and I know she and John are deeply touched by their presence. My mom also was happy to see and learn about the lives of Marie and Nathaniel – the children of my biological dad. Nathaniel has come all the way from Hawaii where he lives to honor my mom’s inclusion of him as a family member – REALLY cool! She also thought the world of her “Seven Sisters and Brothers” group, to whom she proudly declared herself mother.
         My mom was a really great listener. When you talked to her, she gave you her full attention and was genuinely interested in learning about YOU. That didn’t mean she would always agree with you; she definitely had very strong opinions about most things and she was never short on words – qualities which I myself possess. My husband BJ and our son Matt would strongly agree with that! My mom had an extraordinary emotional intelligence by demonstrating tremendous empathy and compassion towards others – qualities that all of us could stand to improve upon in our own lives.
         In closing, it is my belief, and I believe my mother’s as well, that we are not human beings on earth having a spiritual experience but rather spiritual beings having a human experience. The way I feel we can stay connected with those we love who have ended their human experience, is to live our own best lives every day just as my mom did. And if we strive to be the best human beings we can, we will always stay connected to my mom’s spirit. If, by chance, some day you have the never-before-experienced-sudden-urge to iron your bed sheets or wash your windows for the second month in a row, or eat an entire box of chocolate turtles while you dust every inch of your house, that is my mom reminding you that we are still connected by heart and soul.

B.J. Favaro
As you've just heard, Carol has left a rich legacy of achievement and contribution for us to remember her by. But, as we all do, Carol also had her unique character traits and idiosyncrasies that I will also remember her by. So, I share with you the following.

What I love and will miss about Carol

         1. Her twice a week phone calls, just to check in. Receiving the answering machine didn't deter her from leaving a lengthy message.
         2. Her constant reminding that it's time to organize a family gathering even though we just had one the month before.
         3. Following me around in my own home to turn off the lights that I had just turned on because as she would say, "You're wasting energy."
         4. Telling everyone at the table that they aren't allowed to order beef from the menu because she argued of the damaging effects the livestock industry has on the Earth.
         5. Her many tableau of fetishes in her home to honor the universe and bring good fortune to her and her family.
         6. And, her ability to take my unrelenting ridicule of her about that.
         7. Giving me books from John's library, usually without his knowledge or by explaining to him that, "We have to start getting rid of things in the house before we're too old. BJ will appreciate these.” I do, and I now have some nice books! John, you're welcome to borrow them any time you'd like.
         8. The always spotless windows in her house. She'd clean the windows in your house if you let her!
         9. A complete meal from Hors Dourves to dessert from Trader Joe's.

Now lest you think I am being irreverent here, I will assert that it is often those things that we view as annoying that endear us the most to the ones we love. To continue. . .:

What I love and will miss about Carol

         10. Chocolate hearts taped to my birthday card.
         11. Tightly coiled $50 bills smuggled into the palm of my hand to pass onto Amy as a gift, along with the admonishment to not tell John. John – if you ever want to know where the leak in your bank account was coming from I think I can tell you.
         12. Ending her goodbyes to me, "Now you be nice to Amy!" Funny – my own mother used to tell me the exact same thing!
         13. And, that deep look of affection right before Carol planted a big wet one on me.

Yes, my mother-in-law leaves a legacy of achievement and contribution, but she also leaves us a legacy of memories in the many ways she showed her love for her family and the many, many people she cared about.

Jim Davis
Life Lessons My Mother Taught Me

         Carol Jean Wright Tarrant Davis Kittermaster. It takes 2/3 of the alphabet just to name her.
         My Mom is a remarkable woman. I still speak about her in the present, because she we always be present in my life. She is my guardian angle. She defined her self and her life in many ways, but her greatest legacy, love and joy is her family. I am Jim, her youngest child and only son by birth. As far back as my birthday card collection from her can remember, she has called me her Shining Son.
         My first memory of Mom was when I was as a toddler at our ranch house on Briar Lane in Lake Forest, Illinois. I was sick and she was carrying me, my arms around her neck, through the kitchen back to my room. As we passed the kitchen sink I threw up right over her shoulder -- bulls-eye – right into the kitchen sink. No mess, no fuss, and I felt much better. I’ve always wondered why this is my first memory of Mom, but from that day forward I knew that we would never let each other down. And I have kept a clean kitchen ever since…
         I have many fond memories of Mom, and those of you that know me, know that I can talk forever…and ever. So instead of sharing Mom stories, I wanted to share with you the most important life lessons my mother taught me.

Family
Mom’s first lesson is about the fundamental value of Family. Mom’s very existence was defined by her family, and she was something of a pioneer in making it large and diverse. She grew her family by marriage (3 times), by childbirth (4 times), and by the countless friends and good causes she brought into our family life.
As those of us on her handwritten Christmas card list can attest, nobody ever really leaves Mom’s family. She always welcomed spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends (past or present) to family events. In-laws never become out-laws in Carol’s family, and she treated all the children from her husbands’ marriages as her own.
Mom taught me that family is inclusive and it is permanent.

Love
         Mom’s second lesson for me is that Love is a choice, the only choice. Mom showed me that Love is unconditional. She gave it freely with purpose and without expectation to her family, her friends and her causes. Mom’s love is patient and tolerant, not selfish or demanding.
         We had something of a tradition every year when I was a teenager -- the family Christmas gift. One year we made recycled paper from old cards with a blender and an iron, another year it was trivets and coasters sliced out of a fallen red cedar that John and I harvested from the island. It was always homemade, a labor of love, involving our creativity and our hands. I always set the best batch aside to give to Mom. She always acted surprised; I knew she wasn’t. She always acted proud and pleased; I knew she was.
         Even when I screwed up or was stubborn and she was angry with me, I always knew she loved me. I remember one time when she was in the middle of her divorce with my Dad; I was about 7 and throwing a temper tantrum when she was on the edge. She said, “You’re being just like your father!” Even before the words left her mouth, I could tell they were more devastating to her than to me. I think she forgave Dad on the spot out of love for me. After that day she never said another bad thing about my father.
         Mom taught me that Love is Forgiving and For Giving.

Acceptance
         Mom’s third lesson for me is the importance of Acceptance -- acceptance of reality, acceptance of others, acceptance of diversity…everything you cannot change. We shared a morning affirmation that “all is received.”
         Believe it or not, Mom was not perfect. She definitely had her quirks. Once in awhile you could get her to admit it, and even sometimes laugh about it, but rarely would she change it. We all knew she cleaned too much; I have never heard of anyone else who ironed their bed sheets, including that fitted bottom sheet that nobody ever sees. I was probably the only boy in 2nd grade who kept his room immaculate with a toy closet only a museum curator would love. I did it to help Mom out and make her happy, not because she asked me to. I also knew she’d do it for me if I didn’t. I even made my own bed everyday, hospital corners and all; I knew she secretly remade it everyday before I got home. It bugged me, but I accepted it. That was just Mom being Mom.
         In my adult life Mom didn’t always respect the boundaries I tried to set around our home life and parenting styles. She secretly gave James and Elliott baby bottles when they came to visit her, long after they had been weaned to a cup and I (and our pediatrician!) had asked her stop. For all I know she still snuck them bottles up until their last visit with her. Mom was also known for something we came to call “Grandma drive-bys”. These were annoying, unannounced stopovers after school or on the weekend, often at an inopportune time, when she “happened to be in the neighborhood”, sometimes with John impatiently in tow. Usually she was bearing groceries from Trader Joe’s “that the kids like”, small trinkets, or “must read” news clippings -- any excuse to immerse herself in the details of our daily lives. Even when I was not home, I saw the evidence of Mom’s “drive-bys” in the rearranged furniture, pictures on different walls, and of course the chocolate hearts on the counter. It bugged me, but I accepted it. That was just Mom being Mom. Through her quirks, Mom taught me not to sweat the small stuff.
         Mom also taught me acceptance in big, important ways. One of Mom’s earliest causes was the Ecumenical Institute in downtown Chicago during the civil rights movement of the mid-60’s. This white upper-middle class lady from the wealthy North Shore suburbs worked tirelessly right alongside an impoverished black prostitute single mom to establish a daycare center in the ghetto. They called it the 5th City. I was 8. I remember her taking me there and introducing me to everyone with total acceptance and no fear. When the race riots started in the summer of 1968, we took a little black girl, Lanette, home to live with us in the suburbs until things cooled off. She was my little sister for the summer. Mom and John took us camping. We played. We had fun. We fought. She “stuck her lip out at me”. I learned a lot that summer. I learned how fortunate I was, and how people different or less fortunate than me were worthy of my trust and respect. That also was just Mom being Mom.
         Mom taught me that Acceptance is the path to peace and security, both at home and in the world.

Purpose
         Mom’s fourth lesson for me is that life has Purpose and meaning -- beyond my own selfish wants and needs. She always let me know by her example and her words that I was here to make the world a better place, not just to have fun and collect toys before I die. I was born into privilege for a reason larger than me – think globally, act locally. Mom lived that in her own life. Yes, she had fun and collected “stuff”, but she always dedicated her time to a noble cause greater then herself and her family -- even when she was a single, working Mom with 4 kids.
         For Mom the goal, the result, was less important than the people and the quality of the relationships along the way. Mom shunned competition, favoring collaboration and cooperation to bring the best out in everyone. When I was younger and in sports, she never wanted to know the score, just that I did my best, that nobody got hurt, and that we had fun and played as a team.
         Mom taught me that life is about the journey, not the destination.
Strength and Courage
         Mom’s fifth lesson for me was Strength and Courage. In her own life she showed me strength and courage in many ways, both big and small. She participated in the great social causes of our time: equality, education, and environment. She also took out the garbage -- in her bare feet – in the winter snows of Chicago and Toronto. And she cared tirelessly for her aging parents.
         Mom also taught me strength and courage through my stepfather, John. I thank her, and you John, for bringing such a remarkable man and role model into my life. Despite the wrecked car, the wrecked snowmobile, and the endless dinnertime debates about perpetual motion, I am honored to be your Son and I love you, John-Dad.
         Especially in her death, you have both taught me strength and courage, grace and dignity.

Spirituality
Mom’s sixth lesson for me was the solid foundation of Spirituality. I was baptized and raised Episcopalian, but my Mom was not religious in the traditional sense. Our house was full of spiritual symbols and rituals borrowed from many religions. Mom was always more focused on their common teachings and principles, rather than their differences. It was the shared values that were her truth.
Mom insisted on a morning ritual for all of us kids -- and even John -- our daily affirmation. We all rolled our eyes and obliged her, but I secretly loved it and still do it today with my own kids -- when they let me. It goes as follows:

Mom says: “I send you out to live spontaneously in the spirit of the word…and the word is…”
We say: “All is good…All is received…and the Future is open…”

         With this simple affirmation, Mom taught me everything I needed know:
                  • All is Good – all is love and has purpose
                  • All is Received – all must be accepted with strength and humor
                  • The Future is Open – Life’s journey never ends, be courageous

Close
         When I was a little boy, I used to think about what would happen if my mother ever died. Just the thought devastated me. It made me incredibly afraid and sad. I knew I would never survive.
         Now I am older with kids of my own. My life challenges and fears are different now, more complicated perhaps, but they are not devastating. I know what my Mom taught me is true: that all IS good, all IS received and the future IS open.
         Mom, you gave me life, you gave me love, and you taught me well. What greater gift can a mother give her Shining Son. What greater gift than love and thanks can this Shining Son give you return. Thank you, Mom. I miss you and I love you.

Grace
         One of Mom’s favorite family rituals was her special family grace, where we’d go around the table and everyone who wanted to speak would say a few words of thanks for something in their life.
         I’d like to lead that Grace now with all of you, Carol’s extended family and friends, and invite anyone who wishes, to stand and speak a word or two of thanks for something special Carol brought into your life.
         “We meet to eat and to celebrate the world which made us and which we are making…”

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